Today I woke up looking like a troll

Upon awaking from a deep slumber in the middle of the Enchanted Forest this morning, I quickly realised two things.

1)      My name wasn’t Snow White.

2)      Usually delightful and well meaning friends turn into long nosed Pinocchio’s at 11:30pm on a Tuesday when they pour you another glass of wine at dinner and proclaim, “You’ll be fine for work in the morning doll.” Yeah, right on!

Stumbling into the bathroom for my usual morning routine of; cleanse, tone, eye gel, serum, sunscreen moisturiser and primer, things got progressively worse. A troll from a nearby bridge dwelling had broken into my house and was standing in front of my mirror.

Dehydrated, green tinged, sallow looking skin – check. Nasty black circles setting up camp under the eye area – check. Wild, swamp creature-esque hair – check. Transforming this beast into a real life looking girl won’t be easy, however Parlour and Loot has a few helpful ideas for when one finds herself in this predicament.

Illuminating Foundation. This is KEY when one is hung over, tired or dehydrated from a 20km marathon. Now, I know that in this situation, it’s extremely tempting to reach for your “thick as paint! Makes me look all Blake Lively-ish in photos” foundation, but trust me when I tell you that a heavy foundation (especially powder-based ones) will only make your skin look more lack lustre. Not to mention it will start creeping into the fine lines of your skin making them look all obvious and attention seeking. (Like Khloe Kardashian’s new red hair. Ok, that was mean but hey, I bet Kim was pissed when Khloe stole the limelight with her new locks at the 2011 People’s Choice Awards).

Rimmel's Recover Illuminating Anti-Fatigue Foundation is a smart choice for combating dull skin as it uses a complex of spherical powders (white pearl and blue pigments) to visually illuminate the complexion and conceal pesky things such as imperfections and dark shadows. Note: Sculling a litre of water with some lemon in it won’t hurt either! Illuminating foundations reflect light off your skin so they have the added benefit of making you look as though you have a professional lighting team following you around all day.

RRP: $18.95

Now to tackle the hair. At this stage in the game, I’m guessing those locks have already had a shitload of heat and styling products bestowed upon them and are crying out for a repair masque, but guess what sugar plum? There’s no time! Girl works hard for the money and must get her derriere into work pronto. Instead of trying to tame that bed hair “look”, we are going to work with it! Firstly, do not brush your mane; this will only make it look fluffy and possibly dirty. Instead tip your head upside down and spray a small amount of sea salt spray (I like David Babaii for Wildaid Bohemian Beach Spray $23.70) through the mid-lengths and ends and scrunch with your fingers to add some texture and definition so that this style looks purposeful and not accidental. Then flip your head back up and create either a middle or side part. Take the lengths of your hair to one side of your face and make a dishevelled plait starting just below the ear. If you have any stray layers hangin’ loose on the opposite side, make sure you pin them as we are aiming for “bohemian-chic”, not “I’ve been rolling around in the gutter with a strange animal”. Secure your plait with a clear hair tie when it's three quarters down the whole length of your hair and tousle the ends with your fingers.

 Alexander Wang S/S 2010

While you may not look exactly like your usual million dollar self, these two easy steps should help you achieve a classy imitation. Good luck beauties!



Twist it real good

Dang December! Where did you come from?  If like me, you’ve found yourself knee-deep in the festive season without much thought given to the appropriate hairstyle for sleigh rides and mistletoe pashes then turn down Mariah Carey’s 1994 Merry Christmas album and pay attention.

Many gals look forward to their annual Christmas party for the free food, alcohol and passes they get to make at shy Daniel from the graphics department. The catch however is that most of these holiday parties take place straight after work, when one is FORCED to take her look from day-to-night within the confines of the staff bathroom. Hello glamour! Not to worry, Parlour and Loot has the fail proof hairstyle needed to take you from office-drab to party-fab in 56 seconds (yes I timed it, I’m nerdy like that).

On the morning of said party wash and towel-dry your locks then work through a volumising mousse with your fingers before blow drying as usual. L’Oreal Professional Texture Expert Expansion volumising cream mousse is fab for adding texture and body to the hair and I can vouch for its delicious salon-y scent.

Available in a wide range of salons RRP: $35.

After blow drying, pull your hair back into a sleek ponytail at the crown of your head. Twist the ponytail into a top knot and secure with bobby pins before spraying with hairspray.

When six o’clock rolls around undo the restraints, flip your head upside down and brush gently to separate the soft waves that have been created. Now part your hair on the side and smooth down any flyaways. Take a 4cm section from each side of your part twist loosely and secure back with a bobby pin that matches your hair colour. And there you have it, a flattering this-took-no-time-at-all party appropriate ‘do.

Hot tip: Make like Lauren Conrad, the queen of this style, by taking sections of hair that are not pinned down and placing them over the bobby pins, hiding them from sight and adding an extra polished look to this style.

Holy stone fruit, it's Summer

Growing up in North Queensland in the early 90s it’s fair to say I have a penchant for a particular shade of fuchsia, pedal pushers and picking (read: stealing) fruit from  my neighbour’s trees. Peaches, plums, avocados and mangos! These sun-warmed delights were well worth the scratches on my 10-year-old knees from climbing over the back fence.

Fast-forward fifteen years. I’ve swapped the pedal pushers for pencil skirts and if I’m talking about plum or mango  you can bet your last icy pole I’m talking about how, “that cherry coloured lip stain will really bring out the ‘burnt caramel’ hues,” in my friend Shay’s fading balayage.

There’s just something about summer time that screams, “PUT AWAY THAT NUDE MAKES-YOU-LOOK-LIKE-YOU-DON’T-HAVE-A-PULSE LIP GLOSS AND TRY A POP OF COLOUR!”  It’s this internal monologue running through my head each time I “put my face on” (Like Donna the 53-year-old Keno player at the bowls club) that brings me to why I’m harping on about colours that are usually only found in fruit salad.

The Innoxa Couleurs D’ete Summer Matte Collection boasts a delightful shade of tangerine aptly named Sunset, which is everything a bright lipstick should be – matte yet creamy. Mmmm.

 

Infused with moisturising jojoba oil, this baby doesn’t get all nasty and flakey mid-afternoon but instead leaves your lips feeling full, smooth and luscious hours after application. And the bonus of being brave enough to wear a bright lippy? Your teeth look whiter and your (fake, of course) tan looks deeper.  Ahhh beauty trickery what would I do without you?

This little gem comes in twelve delectable fruity shades and only costs a measly $14.95!  Way less than a real sunset costs. I kid, I kid. On a more serious note; this is a limited edition prod, so put down the knitting and get yourself to the shops ASAP because I have a feeling they won’t last much longer than Heidi Montag’s “acting” career.